Fetsum: A potentially strong new Eritrean Soccer Team from the ruling party
Fetsum: A potentially strong new Eritrean Soccer Team from the ruling party As you know, Eritrea cannot be the only country without a national soccer team. The issue has now become the regime’s priority for image
Fetsum: A potentially strong new Eritrean Soccer Team from the ruling party
As you know, Eritrea cannot be the only country without a national soccer team. The issue has now become the regime’s priority for image and rumor says that high level meetings have been conducted to create a team out of the politicians and sympathizers abroad. Hard work pays and the new team composed of the best Eritrean brains is already in action in Asmara, keen observers say.
Practice is said to have been secretly going on in the city during night hours and under tight security and everything looks good at this point in time. The final lineup is not officiated yet but the following individuals will try to impress the world in soccer in the name of our country.
1) Tekle Manjus because of his far sighted mentality
2) Semere because of his unusually big scull useable for scaring away opponents
3) Wedi Gerahtu because of his perfectly crafted head for testata
4) Wuchu for his dedication to follow instructions
5) President Afwerki
6) Wedi Efrem the slick for his remarkable tactics of survival
7) Girma Asmerom because his experience and faking ability
8) Usman because of his unusual leg-movement capacity on the dance floor
9) Hagos Kisha because of his physical structure
10) Suleiman Salim beats Belay Nega from the Diaspora
11) Girmai Santim because of speed and unconditional conformism
Analysis
In forming the Eritrean soccer team from within the government circle, one suggests that Girma Asmerom can do his damage in the offensive field like he used to do it for the Ethiopian national soccer team back in the days. Unfortunately, the president would not let him join the team because of jealousy issues attached with Girma’s outdated popularity. The president wants to be the best player of the team by hook or by crook. Finally, however, Girma has been elected to the team after president Bashir of Sudan reminded the president of the desperate situation on the ground.
With Girmai Santim and Girma Asmerom respectively in the left and right wing positions one can only wonder who should be in the center to enhance this opportunity. Wedi Efrem the slick cannot continue distributing the ball in his position without a strong central presence for the entire game. This is where Usman the dancer comes in: Usman is ready to handle the job but only if he can stay away from boozing at least a day before the games. Eritrea cannot tolerate wobbling legs in the center and Usman being an expert in it under the pressure of alcohol chances are he will be vulnerable to NYLON (a ball passing through the legs of a player) to the embarrassment of the nation unless something is done ahead of time. The good news is that Usman is now said to be placed in rehabilitation program under the president’s personal counseling beginning next week to control his alcohol addiction until the next African matches are over. I suggest that he should also be made to attend AA meetings to make a difference in the team.
With the big headed Semere and Wedi Gerahtu in both ends of defense Wuchu is expected to play a big role in his position. But what would happen with the president in number 5 position? Analysts have so far suffered a hard time thinking about it let alone seeing him play for the team: one of them almost had a heart attack on the news. The concern is directed not to his physical ability but against his natural tendency to bullism, violence and lawlessness which would probably cost the national team tremendously in terms of violation induced free kicks. Remember that he slaps his workers too for a hobby. Not only that but Wedi Efrem’s recent diplomatic tour to Europe was on the president’s request for the privilege of slapping opponents should he find it necessary in the games without a foul call. This was immediately rejected, however, by unanimous vote in the meeting and he was seriously warned to control his snap.
To complicate the matter, few analysts have informed the FIFA that the short-fused president’s inclusion to the team was unacceptable because it will for the first time allow terrorism to be part of the sport. FIFA is considering the appeal while Eritrea has expressed its right to use any citizen in the lineup. I am sure FIFA will surrender because it cannot imagine going toe to toe with the most obstinate president in Africa on this.
As for the number 9 position, the president was ready to take it but he backed down when he was told that a player cannot have two positions in a game. As a result, he has given Hagos Kisha this position because of his potential to scare the opponents especially if he is conditioned to add some more weight through excessive dieting arrangement during the preparation period. The brother cooperated happily, is currently stuffing himself to explosion for the challenge and is expected to blow up close to 300 pounds a week before the games start. I remind him to take maximum advantage of the X-Mass season for better result and I am sure he at least knows this very well based on how intensely observers saw him downing food during the last Thanks Giving Day. .
For number 10, the president has wisely considered a player from the Diaspora in order to make the team all inclusive and it seems like Belay Negga was elected for this position initially, though, he was disqualified in the end because of bad mouthing in response to another person’s opinion in the forum and a serious revelation about himself: check this out;
belay nega to someone in the forum: ““እንዳ ዋጋየ ዓድዋ ዲኻ ዝበልካ፤ ዘይምፍላጥ ክንደይጠቂሙካ” እንዳ ሜስ ምፍላጥ እንታይ ሚስጢር አለዎ?”
MightyEmbasoyra: “Who is this ዋጋየ? Was it kind of famous for something?”
belay nega: “Who is this ዋጋየ? She is a cousin to Medhin Berad.”
Comment: Brother Belay Negga appears to have consciously or unconsciously liberated himself from the bondage of worshiping the dictator and I congratulate him for that but I regret he is no longer with the team, nor can he go to Eritrea any longer for his offense. Whether the situation makes Belay part of the resistance is yet to be seen but he has become one by default logic!
Belay did another mistake for his disqualification: check this out;
belay nega: “Dear Mighty “Ato Belay,You know a lot of stuff” Knowing about the [ሜስ] sisters for an asmarino,is like knowing about the Koke brothers to an American.I mean is not a big deal.”
Comment: The coach president did not appreciate the extent of Belay’s knowledge of ENDA MESAT and the “SISTERS” in that industry who were unfortunately condemned to prostitution because of poverty. He also bragged about it as an Asmariono. The revelation raised a question on the brother’s obsession with MESS, a dangerous stuff in SPORT that agitated the ANTI-ALCOHOL president to the point of anger. The disturbing question was how often he used to visit enda MESS and at what expense he engaged with the “SISTERS” in there when he was in Asmara? The very ethical president simply could not take all this crap about Belay and simply chose to eliminate him from the team and restrict him from the country at large.
For now, the extra bright brother Suleiman Salim is on the roaster for that position just for his outstanding concept of freedom and for impressing the president through the following intelligent comments;
Suleiman Salim on: “semiEka do Truly, Meles Zenawi Arifu”.
Suleiman Salim: “Where does Vaccaro stand? Vaccaro is a useless aregit Ewala. It doesn’t matter where he stands.”Coaching: This position has been reserved to the president who is keenly trying to impress the world in organizing at least a potent soccer team in Africa if not a functional government. He is also taking anger management classes to impress the UN out of the SANCTION for improving his behavior in that psychological area. He even did not have time to attend the Mandela event in South Africa because of overworking on the team.
Cheer-leading: Eritrea is trying to divert the attention of opponent players by assembling the best citizenss for cheer-leading the team. It will further include few men in this group to show the world its dedication on the question of gender equality.
Rumor says that the very attractive and model looking Sofia Whatever-Mariam has been selected for this position because of her seductive smile and magnetizing looks. With few sisters in traditional KUNANO, keen observers say that the new Eritrean soccer team can make a difference if they can ululate louder than normal in the games. To make this successful, I suggest sister Sofia appears there with KUNANO hair style and good training in high-pitched ululation as well, only if the rumor that she is part of this group is correct. As for the men cheer leaders, a highly dependable informer says that Eritrea will include Yemane Charlie and Yemane Monkey in this group who will ululate dressed up in colorful skirts and get there well trained in spreading and flip-flopping before the games start to attract their viewers.
Referee: Eritrea will assemble the gorgeous Justice Minister for this position because of her admirable concept of fairness. There are only 10,000 political prisoners without due trial in the country after all and this amazing record finally paid off making her the only referee representing our country in the coming African games.
In conclusion the practice goes on and everything is in schedule. The team has agreed to the president’s condition that he must be the first player to score a goal for the Eritrean team during the games and that every player must concentrate on making this a reality rather than trying to steal the show (the president’s eyes bulged out emotionally addressing this issue to the team as the players accepted without a reaction). The mood in Asmara remains very optimistic about the development and people are excited and talking about it everywhere.
Mary Christmas and see you soon
Belay Tewlede December 19, 2013
A very well written satire Fitsum. I would however loved to know who this Belay nega and Mighty Embasoira are.
aman December 19, 2013
Mr writer where are the shaakes and keshi be a sport team without them is not a team,religion equality.they are good on the healing process.
romay December 19, 2013
Hello Aya Fetsum.
Did you run out of good ideas? Why do you waste your valuable time writing such crap articles?
Forto December 19, 2013
THEY GOING TO PLAY MAN TO MAN AND THE GOAL-KEEPER WILL GUARD THE GOALIE OF THE OPPONANT TEAM. AND THE GOALIE FOR HGDEF TEAM IS WEDI APH-CHERKEE, AND WCHOO WILL GUARD THE REFEREE, AND KISHA WILL GUARD THE LINE MAN AND THE RULE OF THE GAME IS NO OFFSIDE IF THEY WIN THE GAME THE TROPHY IS TO VIRGIN IF THEY LOSE BEERA MELOTI.
Sorobeti December 19, 2013
Dear Fetsum
As in governance, the yes men will not play except on the approval of their boss. Due to the obsessive nature of IA, all of the players will be very careful to always pass the ball to him and the result will be devastation.
ERITRAWIT December 19, 2013
Dear Fesum,
I like you articles very funny just imagine when they run around after the ball you forgot Filbos please put him some were and all the fun they will be Demhit as soon as they go to play we have to make sure all our border closed no return back this is the best idea. Merry Christmas to you.
aus 17 December 19, 2013
Yes, Fesum,
I too entertained this idea long ago simply because the alternative is as you said. But I droped it now because of the clear advantage we see that the players are gaining from it.
Isn’t it the safest way to exile? specially after the calamities we saw late in Italy?
The only government package, paid ticket, safe across the sees, deserts and beyond. isn’t it the only blessing they get from hidefef rule?
Second, we have a problem of keeping their position in football. The president is used to change positions whimsically, by what logic can he keep the football principles? Isn’t he jack of everything and master of none?Do you think he will pass the ball to another player, hardly?
Football is trust in one another, can he trust anybody?
Football is about sacrifies for the team, can he stand that demand?
If you insist on your plan, can I suggest to you to put Majus as goalkeeper with his excuse of.. and the entrance fees be managed by Hagos-Kisha this will make the president calm and accept the deal.One final guess, what about all the ministers take the chance…and ask exile? because freedom is scarce for all!!!!
I think we don’t have any alternative by now except create an Oppositions Football Team where these questions of exile do not exist at ll. What do you think?
ghezai December 19, 2013
I think he is not worry of team eritera to be#1 in africa he is # 1 In all other
#1 in the most ditator in africa
#1 in more prison
#1 in killing
#1 in no human right
many more
Michael Ghebre December 19, 2013
Dear Fetsum,
I admired your article with its humour and entertaining. Your selection of player was very good,however, this player will be relegate soon.
MightyEmbasoyra December 19, 2013
Very funny article indeed!
However, I felt sorry that my friend, Ato Belay, got kicked out of the team. Somehow, I feel responsible (at least partially) 🙂
belay nega December 19, 2013
Dear Mighty
ክም ልደት አብ ዓመት ሐንሳብ እትዝክር
ክምዘይተኽድነ ጻሕሊ ዘርክበ ኢዱ ዝመልሰላ
አብ ትሕቲ ወዲ ቭካሮ እትሕክም ሀገር …….ወዘተ እንታይ ጋንታ አድልይዋ
belay nega December 19, 2013
Dear Mighty
ክም ልደት አብ ዓመት ሐንሳብ እትዝክር
ክምዘይተኽድነ ጻሕሊ ዘርክበ ኢዱ ዝመልሰላ
አብ ትሕቲ ወዲ ቭካሮ እትሕክም ሀገር …….ወዘተ እንታይ ጋንታ አድልይዋ
MightyEmbasoyra December 19, 2013
Ato Belay,
If I had to guess about you, your major is Philosophy and or Math minor. The contents of your comments are few layers deeper of the surface. It makes me thinking and that’s a good thing.
Now, let’s talk about wedi vacaro, honestly I don’t know this guy but his message is that we should get united and save the country. I would assume you would like his ideas. He seems very independent to me. I can’t say for sure that I know his main intention – nobody knows but him.
I have asked you before this question – let’s hear your solution. If it is good, I am sure we will support you!
belay nega December 19, 2013
Dear Mighty,
Death,the irreversible biological event,is been reversed only by JESUS.
And the funny part of wedi Vaccaro, is that he is trying to make the so called oppositions, JESUS the second.